Somoscangrejos’s Weblog

July 17, 2010

How to choke, strangle, and discredit conservative news media

Filed under: Barak Obama,Humor,News,Obama,Politics,Uncategorized — somoscangrejos @ 3:00 pm

If you are a power-hungry, thin-skinned liberal politician, and there are a lot of you around these days, who does not like anyone opposing your point of view then read the following. Forget about relying on discredited members of the dated liberal news media who faint every time you breathe, members who kiss and adulate your expensively clad skinny or bodacious butt every time there is a derriere shot on cable or tv, members that most mornings take warm, soapy showers indulging in an erotic fantasy while panting to your name and looking at the portrait on your book cover.  You already got them in your corner. Forget about those already on the team, take maters into your own hand, take control of your destiny and bash them upstart conservatives utilising the best and most up to date techniques to squelch media opposition South American wanna be dictators have come up with…..

1. Start defaming and slandering conservatives by running spots on a massive scale on tv and cable during high viewership events or shows utilising government funds with the excuse of informing the public. Run spots stating: nobody believes them; and: freedom to aggress no, freedom of expression yes. After a while such opinions become engrained in the psyche of those watching tv or cable. Also try to be on tv every day, as many times a day as possible, bashing the opposition. Make the public believe you are fierce, a tiger, a lion, and that the opposition are cream puffs melting under your onslaught.

2. Judicial activism. Appoint a few or even better a lot of liberal activist judges to harass, fine and force those opposing you to change their editorial content from conservative to liberal also forcing them to constantly apologize for any perceived slander. Works like a charm specially if you inject the bigot and race card.

3. Have your cronies in Congress pass communication laws curtailing freedom of speech no mater that they are unconstitutional as the activist judges you appointed will always rule Congress is right, never mind what the Constitution says, and those nasty conservatives wrong. Even better include a page or two in said laws making a bureaucrat appointed by you the one that decides whats fair, slanderous, libelous, etc., you get complete control. Muahahahaha.

4. Force all members of the news media to join an association with the excuse that certain minimum standards need to be enforced headed by your cronies of course that can police, reprimand and even kick out of the journalism profession those that dare write, speak, etc., comments opposing your reign. After a while the only journalists left around will be those that swoon when they see a high pixel glossy photograph of you coming out of the ocean, water cascading down your bare muscled chest, wearing form hugging swimming trunks, in a magazine article telling the world how great you are.

December 9, 2008

Polish econuts: beavers log illegally

Filed under: Entertainment,Humor,Life,News,Politics,Uncategorized — somoscangrejos @ 2:48 pm
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Some Polish econuts walking along a nature reserve in northern Poland, no this is not a Polish joke, thought they had scored an environmentalists wet dream of a coup. They found what they established were trees with their trunks partially chopped or notched ready to be felled and some 20 neatly stacked tree trunks. In other words an illegal logging site. Being brainwashed and rabid econuts they naturally assumed the worst and without doing any further investigating rolled, hopped, ran or slithered to a police station where a report was filed hoping to expose the bad guys.

Duty bound by the always present threat of a public relations black eye by a militant liberal press if they did not investigate a crime against the environment, the Subkowy police showed up where the econuts declared nature had been defaced and yes they confirmed the econuts had found something. But not being lazy or educated beyond their intelligence, followed a trail created by something or someone that had dragged a tree trunk away.  At the end of the trail many other trees and the culprits were found.

What did they find? A portable illegal saw mill? No. A truck full of illegally felled trees guarded by sweaty, musky smelling loggers cruising for econuts? No but the econuts could always dream. Perhaps a bunch of crazed and deranged stock brokers chopping down trees because they had been fired and could no longer afford to buy arrugula or fetta cheese? Not even close.

Picture a beaver dam. Beavers were to blame. Police reaction to econuts who had wasted their time: you are stupid. There is nothing more natural than a beaver. No word on what the econut response was. They probably told the police to go out and shoot some cows because the methane they fart contributes to global warming.

September 9, 2008

Sex on the beach can be dangerous!

Filed under: Humor,Life,Love,Relationships,tourism,travel,Uncategorized — somoscangrejos @ 1:52 am
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Imagine being on one of the Caribbean islands with talcum powder soft white sand beaches among coconut trees and cabana chairs, gazing over azure colored seas full of multicolored fish, sharing your favorite drink topped with a little umbrella and a slice of fruit on the rim with that special someone that makes your blood boil just by looking at her profile while sitting on top of an over sized yellow and white striped Egyptian cotton beach towel, staring at another gorgeous yellow-orange hued sunset through a solid sheet of golden colored clouds that seem to be lit from within by white fire. Kisses, light caresses and hugs; bliss.

Maybe you were on vacation with a group of college friends and came out of a blurred looking, neon light illuminated bar door having just paid 10 times what your drink was worth, holding in one hand that alcohol enhanced, sultry eyed, dark haired, petite, svelte beauty you recently picked up at the bar. In both of your free hands are held by the neck half full glass bottles of whatever poison seemed right for the occasion while walking barefoot, seemingly without course, on black asphalt roads and light brown limestone pavers bordered by deco strips and dark red wood-chip landscaped palm trees, flip flops having been lost somewhere along the meandering trek, finally reaching and flopping onto said white sand beach while trying to decide whether it was daybreak or night fall. Hormones are raging and on alcohol fueled overdrive.

Who knows suppose you were with your parents at the white sand beach all day alternating between shade and sun, swimming, splashing and wading in the warm, clear as crystal water while flirting from near and afar with that young Slavic Goddess that caught your imagination, right under the oblivious eyes of friends and family, at last getting the chance to touch, chat and be together while her numerous and very big, hairy, broad shouldered guardians went to get a shower and a few drinks before diner. You both know in your teenage bones that you won’t see each other again and that in about 45 minutes someone is going to come looking for either one or both of you…..its do something or think about what could have happened for the rest of your lives time.

If unbridled island passion, rough-and-tumble best forgotten, or hurried, inexperienced and treasured memories sex is the next step, be careful! A couple of tips:

Be discrete or become an instant porn star. Camera phone, video camera and digital camera toting locals and tourists are everywhere. They’ll make you famous in the worst kind of way on some home made amateur web site by publishing the photographs of your tryst or even worse yet, high definition video with running comedic commentary on that bottomless fountain of knowledge and entertainment: the Internet. Don’t forget about video surveillance cameras and beach web cams!

Nature is not always your friend. A coconut falling from a palm tree and hitting you is about as likely as a shark attack but falling coconuts can crack windshields so be advised. Beach fleas are nasty little critters, their bite is painful and attack in droves at the most romantic times of the day: early in the morning and at dusk. But the most abundant mood killer to be found is sand. That beautiful, talcum soft white sand turns into fine sandpaper, scraping off skin and leaving sensitive areas of the body raw; on the other hand if one is a masochist then its a sought after commodity.

Never forget to add thugs, thieves, blackmailers, etc., to a list of ways to make a vacation unforgettable. What better way to ruin a romp on a white sand beach in paradise, besides the sand, than to have a thug or more interrupt your energetic or lethargic gyrations to try and take turns at your date and more frequently these days, you. Yes you read correctly, you! Most of these guys, now girls are getting into the fun too, carry knives or machetes so always check your vicinity. They usually just take your valuables and sometimes your clothes but one never knows. Enough dark thoughts for one paragraph, don’t you think?

Anyways sex on the beach, like joining the Mile High Club, it is an experience treasured by many. But unlike the flying Club, I wonder how many try it more than once!

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