Somoscangrejos’s Weblog

December 9, 2008

Polish econuts: beavers log illegally

Filed under: Entertainment,Humor,Life,News,Politics,Uncategorized — somoscangrejos @ 2:48 pm
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Some Polish econuts walking along a nature reserve in northern Poland, no this is not a Polish joke, thought they had scored an environmentalists wet dream of a coup. They found what they established were trees with their trunks partially chopped or notched ready to be felled and some 20 neatly stacked tree trunks. In other words an illegal logging site. Being brainwashed and rabid econuts they naturally assumed the worst and without doing any further investigating rolled, hopped, ran or slithered to a police station where a report was filed hoping to expose the bad guys.

Duty bound by the always present threat of a public relations black eye by a militant liberal press if they did not investigate a crime against the environment, the Subkowy police showed up where the econuts declared nature had been defaced and yes they confirmed the econuts had found something. But not being lazy or educated beyond their intelligence, followed a trail created by something or someone that had dragged a tree trunk away.  At the end of the trail many other trees and the culprits were found.

What did they find? A portable illegal saw mill? No. A truck full of illegally felled trees guarded by sweaty, musky smelling loggers cruising for econuts? No but the econuts could always dream. Perhaps a bunch of crazed and deranged stock brokers chopping down trees because they had been fired and could no longer afford to buy arrugula or fetta cheese? Not even close.

Picture a beaver dam. Beavers were to blame. Police reaction to econuts who had wasted their time: you are stupid. There is nothing more natural than a beaver. No word on what the econut response was. They probably told the police to go out and shoot some cows because the methane they fart contributes to global warming.

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September 21, 2008

Buy 25 pounds of cocaine for $ 40 – $ 50

Ever wonder why so many people try smuggling cocaine from South America to the USA or Europe knowing it is a dangerous and highly illegal activity? The reasoning is simple, profits for drug smuggling cartels and the individual enterprenour are huge if they manage to get their product from where it is produced to where it is sold. How huge those profits can be is mind-boggling. In Peru, in one single coca leaf producing province, about 75,000 kilos or 83 tons of cocaine are produced every year. If all that cocaine made it to the USA it’s street value would be close to $ 4.5 billion. But for someone with the right connections they can purchase in the jungles of South America 25 pounds of uncut cocaine, in bulk, for around 40 to 50 bucks.

At the Plaza de Armas in Lima, according to our tour guide, tourists can purchase a gram of cut cocaine for $ 1. Yes, you read right, one dollar. Remember that those are tourist prices, locals who can haggle buy it at half that price but street kids sniff glue because it’s still less expensive than buying drugs. That same cut gram in New York City goes for $55 to $65 ($ 55,000 to $ 65,000 per kilo) according to the Big Apple’s newspapers. Just think, in the remote jungles of Peru the gram goes for $ 0.005 and one kilo for $ 4.40. Let’s not forget that the largest producer of cocaine in the world is Colombia, which accounts for 3/4 of all cocaine produced, and the price there is even lower than in Peru. Colombia does not grow enough coca leaves to produce that much cocaine but drug cartels import large quantities of cocaine base from Peru and Bolivia.  

If cocaine does not tickle your fancy then consider that at most restaurants in Lima and Cusco one can buy te de coca or Mate Cusqueno which are listed under teas. Te de coca is like regular tea except that the tea bags are full of finely cut up coca leaves and sold legally at most supermarkets under several different brands. Mate Cusqueno refers to the whole coca leaves served in hot water and drank just like a tea, but unlike cocaine sugar is optional. If one would like to buy the coca leaves just go to any market and you will find men and women selling them by the bagfulls for a song, legally.

Smugglers buy or rent airplanes, cars, ships, fishing boats, go-fast boats, submarines, semi-submersibles, helicopters, trucks, mopeds, ox carts and almost every type of vehicle invented by man, including children, women and men, to transport their drugs. Don’t forget pets. The market they cater to is big with demand, outside of the USA and Europe, in at least all major cities world wide. The US is the world’s largest consumer with about 325 metric tons of cocaine a year, followed by Europe with 175 metric tons and the rest of the world consumes another 175 metric tons. Cocaine in Europe is much more expensive than in the USA, up to 50% more in some places, but historically cocaine lags behind marijuana and heroin as the drug of choice. Its use in the US is flat as some users have switched to methamphetamines because they are less expensive and the effects they produce lasts longer. Even then some experts say Americans spend a hard to believe $ 70+ billion a year just on cocaine.

Who uses cocaine? People of all races, ages, and walks of life, in the four corners of the world. Middle to high income college students, professionals, single adults with lots of discretionary spending, machinery operators, housewives, high school students, party animals, and clubbers use cocaine in its powder form. Lower income inner-city dwellers tend to use crack cocaine.

In recent years it has become a lot more difficult to grow, cultivate, prepare and smuggle drugs due to new technology derived from innovations learned on the battlefield in Iraq and now in use by law enforcement agencies. The penalties for those caught are severe and possesion of cocaine, except for sanctioned medical or official use, is illegal in most parts of the world. But I am reminded of the 80’s song Smugglers Blues by Glenn Frey and the line from the song that says, “You be cool for 20 hours and I’ll pay you twenty grand”.  Why won’t a smuggler not pay someone 20k? For any smuggler the possible profit margin covers almost any expense imaginable. Even if 5 out of every ten shipments is intercepted the profits on the ones that get through still are astronomical enough to afford to pay a Spaniard € 4,000 to use his car to take the drugs from the beach where the boat docked to the other side of town where they are sold. That is why day in and day out someone, somewhere tries to smuggle cocaine from South America to the USA or Europe.

September 9, 2008

Sex on the beach can be dangerous!

Filed under: Humor,Life,Love,Relationships,tourism,travel,Uncategorized — somoscangrejos @ 1:52 am
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Imagine being on one of the Caribbean islands with talcum powder soft white sand beaches among coconut trees and cabana chairs, gazing over azure colored seas full of multicolored fish, sharing your favorite drink topped with a little umbrella and a slice of fruit on the rim with that special someone that makes your blood boil just by looking at her profile while sitting on top of an over sized yellow and white striped Egyptian cotton beach towel, staring at another gorgeous yellow-orange hued sunset through a solid sheet of golden colored clouds that seem to be lit from within by white fire. Kisses, light caresses and hugs; bliss.

Maybe you were on vacation with a group of college friends and came out of a blurred looking, neon light illuminated bar door having just paid 10 times what your drink was worth, holding in one hand that alcohol enhanced, sultry eyed, dark haired, petite, svelte beauty you recently picked up at the bar. In both of your free hands are held by the neck half full glass bottles of whatever poison seemed right for the occasion while walking barefoot, seemingly without course, on black asphalt roads and light brown limestone pavers bordered by deco strips and dark red wood-chip landscaped palm trees, flip flops having been lost somewhere along the meandering trek, finally reaching and flopping onto said white sand beach while trying to decide whether it was daybreak or night fall. Hormones are raging and on alcohol fueled overdrive.

Who knows suppose you were with your parents at the white sand beach all day alternating between shade and sun, swimming, splashing and wading in the warm, clear as crystal water while flirting from near and afar with that young Slavic Goddess that caught your imagination, right under the oblivious eyes of friends and family, at last getting the chance to touch, chat and be together while her numerous and very big, hairy, broad shouldered guardians went to get a shower and a few drinks before diner. You both know in your teenage bones that you won’t see each other again and that in about 45 minutes someone is going to come looking for either one or both of you…..its do something or think about what could have happened for the rest of your lives time.

If unbridled island passion, rough-and-tumble best forgotten, or hurried, inexperienced and treasured memories sex is the next step, be careful! A couple of tips:

Be discrete or become an instant porn star. Camera phone, video camera and digital camera toting locals and tourists are everywhere. They’ll make you famous in the worst kind of way on some home made amateur web site by publishing the photographs of your tryst or even worse yet, high definition video with running comedic commentary on that bottomless fountain of knowledge and entertainment: the Internet. Don’t forget about video surveillance cameras and beach web cams!

Nature is not always your friend. A coconut falling from a palm tree and hitting you is about as likely as a shark attack but falling coconuts can crack windshields so be advised. Beach fleas are nasty little critters, their bite is painful and attack in droves at the most romantic times of the day: early in the morning and at dusk. But the most abundant mood killer to be found is sand. That beautiful, talcum soft white sand turns into fine sandpaper, scraping off skin and leaving sensitive areas of the body raw; on the other hand if one is a masochist then its a sought after commodity.

Never forget to add thugs, thieves, blackmailers, etc., to a list of ways to make a vacation unforgettable. What better way to ruin a romp on a white sand beach in paradise, besides the sand, than to have a thug or more interrupt your energetic or lethargic gyrations to try and take turns at your date and more frequently these days, you. Yes you read correctly, you! Most of these guys, now girls are getting into the fun too, carry knives or machetes so always check your vicinity. They usually just take your valuables and sometimes your clothes but one never knows. Enough dark thoughts for one paragraph, don’t you think?

Anyways sex on the beach, like joining the Mile High Club, it is an experience treasured by many. But unlike the flying Club, I wonder how many try it more than once!

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